Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
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I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Fights fire with marshmallows