Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
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Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.