Rt to bother an English speaker
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Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.