not for long
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date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it