As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
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The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.