“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
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Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”