Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
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Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.