i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
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Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly