When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
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Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
[eats all your cotton candy]
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Not all heroes wear capes….
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
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*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf