I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
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*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
White parent Vs Arab parents
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do