Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
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I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”