My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
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I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?