Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
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*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.