You Might Also Like
A dad and his duck
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.