[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
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If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.