So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
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[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.