“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
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People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
The Compass
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.