The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
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if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Love is always patient and kind.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
this article brought to you by lions
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again