confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
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a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
the rocks need my help
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD