There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
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People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*