I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
You Might Also Like
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I like long walks away from everyone
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?