Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
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Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.