There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
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[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.