Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
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Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Good dog. ❤️
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!