7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
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Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency