Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
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I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
The symmetry is uncanny.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.