in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
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Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.