My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
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Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
When your man makes a valid point
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.