Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
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All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it