She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
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Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.