*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
You Might Also Like
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*