Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
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daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I unironically love this joke.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE