football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.