The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
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1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Beware…..