It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
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If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
he chose this
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!