Peppa pig = spicy bacon
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The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Help Wanted
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.