Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
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Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Best seat on the street 😍
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls