I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
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[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
good work, everybody
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now