Do one person every day that scares you.
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Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.