bears
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learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.