In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
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Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava