[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
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psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
From Facebook just now…
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.