“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
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[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.