I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
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No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom