Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
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It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.