[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
You Might Also Like
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake