Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
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Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
time machine? you mean a clock?
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.