Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
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If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.