Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
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My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Brb my Sims are getting married
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster