GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
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[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.